the lizzer

listen, i have to warn you that what i write here will not be nice, not be appropriate, and potentially not be something i want anyone to know i thought of, much took the time to write down. that being stated, if i don’t get this out i’m going to explode.

today is the day before a holiday. a travel holiday, if you will….meaning most people are going somewhere fun to do something fun, thus in order to get to somewhere, they are driving. most people who drive to somewhere fun to do something fun, are in jolly ol’ moods. i mean even of they are in a bunch of traffic on the interstate they see that green siren beckoning them for a gooey coffee elixer, they get off the highway, stretch their legs, laugh at our po-dunk town and are generally nice to people who are overworked because we control the sugared java…and, as stated, they are on a travel holiday! wheee!

however, on this travel holiday, people have been complete jackasses. and i’m sorry if you have to wait in line for a stupid frappuccino and you are jonesin’ for sugar, but please notice we have two blenders. Two blenders to handle, one venti strawberries and cream, two grande caramel, one tall cinnamon dolce, one tall decaf mocha, one grande raspberry mocha, one tall vanilla bean, one venti (poured into two tall cups) orange cream, three venti white mochas, one tall decaf java chip, one grande coffee light, four extra caramel (and drizzle on the inside of the cup) frappuccinos…that plus, at the same time, there are drinks to be made in proper order at the hot bar, coffee to be brewed fresh every hour-or because of the volume of people coming through, every twenty minutes, whip creams to be made, dishes to be picked up in the cafe because people are ignorant when it comes to the self-bussing concept, floors to be swept, your child’s vomit to be mopped up, bathrooms to be santized and stocked because none of you jackass people know how to sit on the toilet and keep the urine and poo inside the bowl, garbages to constantly empty because you stuff them with all the crap that’s been in your car since the last pit stop…and if you are noticing this, maybe you could notice that we have a total of four people working. one in drive thru, one on the front register, one at the hot bar, and one at the cold bar. we also have to make sure all of the four get their breaks in time, leaving three on the floor to handle all above tasks, oh–and answering the never-ending phone calls, restocking shelves, grinding pounds of beans-or better yet, having to measure out quarter and half pounds of beans, refilling the pastry case, the ready-to-drink case, supplying the condiment bar, making more frappuccino base because no one had the good sense in the morning to recognize it would be a travel day and didn’t set up the day/night crew with enough–all that and you have been waiting in line, get up to the register and act like you have never seen a starbucks menu in all your life. and maybe you haven’t, so you have questions. we are more than happy to answer your questions because honestly when you find a drink that you love, you are more than likely going to be happy with your overall buckster experience and when that happens, you are more kind to the person at the register and that happiness is carried over to the next person in line, you are more happy while waiting in line and don’t get huffy when the brady bunch in front of you has ordered a million modified drinks and your cup stands empty for a good five minutes, even though your barista is trying to chat pleasantly with you as she crafts a number of drinks all at the same time, and you’re much more than happy when she hands over that iced grande 3 pump cinnamon, 2 pump vanilla soy with caramel and mocha drizzle caramel macchiato and you take that first sip and it. is. delicious.

but noooooooo—you are a crusty, no vagina-ed old woman who obviously is such a bitch your friends prefered death to your company, your children have moved across the country as to no longer have to even spend a holiday with you and your dog decided the railroad tracks were more comforting than the folds of your moth-ridden lap. and you decide that today, today will be the day that you want to “speak to whoever is in charge because it is obscene how long the wait has been for a simple cold drink!” ‘yes, ma’am, i know the wait is longer than normal, we are experiencing a large volume of customers right now and are working as hard as we can. your drink will be up in just a little bit. i understand you’re ready to get on your way, and i do want to thank you for expressing your concern, unfortunately there is not a lot i can do right now, aside from help to ensure all these drinks get made.’ (the part that isn’t said but is apparent to anyone paying attention, as long as you’re there bitching at me, that’s one less person making drinks, making the wait time even longer) “that is simply not good enough!” ‘ma’am, is there something i can do to make it right?’ “no, you little twit, there is nothing you can do right, as evident by this line!” ‘well, since that’s the case, i’m going to finish making these drinks. i do hope you have a better day and enjoy the fourth tomorrow.’ you snort in response. i turn to make drinks and secretly wish that whatever horrible bugs have crawled up your ass, painfully come out of your nose and ears while you are driving to the lake and you end up going over the hillside in your gas-guzzling SUV with the “still the president W” sticker so that i never have to lay eyes on your cracked face again. you bitch.